"you can go suck a crotch." - arlan

this is my message to about 3 people right now. not you, or you. but 3 very distinct people who need to kiss my ass.

thank you.

if you ever lose your weigh

ive had the following cds on repeat for the past 2 weeks or so...

-t.i. urban legend
-taking back sunday where you want to be
-tegan & sara so jealous
-lola ray liars
-rilo kiley execution of all things
-dashboard confessional the places you have come to fear the most
-and then carrie underwood's and patti griffin's mp3s...

off to meet with my new personal trainer..

guns. i want GUNS.

pretty little souped up 4-wheel drive

she called me last night. i wish she knew that it cant be like it was before. we cant have cute conversations and chit chat. it hurts too much. but its like she has amnesia.

i miss our friendship the most.

she doesnt miss it cause she thinks its still the same.

maybe one day it will be half of what it once was. i'll just hold on to that hope. cause it would be a shame if i didnt have her in my life in some way. i just need a bit more time.

yep...

i love the *you* in you...

i always wonder how many of the girls/women that are reading are at the stage in their lives where theyre questioning their sexuality. i always say i wish i had movies like "but im a cheerleader" when i was 16 and just realizing things about myself. i wouldnt have felt as alone or scared or like a sinner (raised very religiously)...

it would have made things easier if there was someone to talk to about it. but i was left to the resources i had. and this was 10 years ago, so the internet wasnt like it is today!

ive spoken to a few people who fit into this category. they tell me that it is nice to know theyre not alone. and they have a place to go to feel part of something.

so if there is anyone out there in internet land who's reading this right now, and youre struggling with something. anything. doesnt even have to be related to your sexuality (but somehow it always is), i want you to feel free to write to me on myspace...if you just need someone to "listen".

i cant promise that i'll be able to help, but i know that sometimes, just having someone know your problem...helps. why do you think i invited you guys into my personal blog?? its definitely a two-way street :-) you get to listen to me *whine* about my ex and about my future ex's...must be SO incredibly interesting.

i still cant believe im going to be Krav Maga -in' in about 30 hours. thats crazy talk. they told me to bring LOTS of water, and that id be dripping in sweat at the end of the hour. this is what i usually tell my dates...so im lookin forward to it;-)

letitgo

im not sure why people think i know of every single gay person that ever lived. im learning just like everyone else. i think im just a bit more excited when i learn;-) but yeah, i dont know every lesbian...im probably going to be surprised by something again today.

its just me here...in a (oh-so-empty) 2-bedroom place in san diego. typin on my computer. foldin tshirts. slangin' magazines. listenin' to emo music. and getting a few giggles from my friends.

and i took some medicine last night for my back that made me sleep til noon today! so i just woke up...not sure what this post is about. but whats new there? ;-)

buck fuddy

im wondering...does the "fuck buddy" thing ever work out? especially between lesbians? does it really exist? if so...tell me! it sounds good in theory, but im beginning to wonder if it would get too complicated. i still believe it can be done as it was meant to be ...done.

hmm....

we'll see, wont we.

jesus take the wheel

when did carrie underwood get this good?

you wanna kick me, WHERE?

im starting Krav Maga on monday....

week after week, i agree to something or do something that lets me know how insane i am.

but hopefully it'll help me work on my quads and my uh...delts...and stuff. (?)

that sarah paulson took her top off in last week's ep of studio 60 and she made me want her abs. its weird how things are so connected...hmm...

oh and speaking of things being strangely connected... Daniela Sea who plays Max/Moira on the L Word is a COOL woman. i cant wait to see what happens with her character in the new season. i hope to spend more time with her. she's a special person. i feel like i'll learn a lot from her in the near future.

now what? :-)

is there anything you guys wanna know about me? im not all that interesting but if you have any questions (i know you do cause you ask them all the time on myspace!) you can ax me...send me a myspace message or email me or find me on msn...

im pretty much an open book....go for it.

i did wanna say that i am SO excited and appreciative of all the feedback i get from you guys. whether you do it privately or publically...often or not...its just...amazing to me. i wish everyone was able to experience what i do every day just by checking my messages. its wild!

i think its interesting that people feel comfortable asking me for advice about things. as you can probably guess from my previous posts, ive been a mess lately. sad about the ex...sad about things not having to do with the ex at all. but being able to help other people really really helps me. oh and im feeling much, much better about things in general...there are a lot of cool things on the horizon that i have to look forward to. good times, good people...

i was looking at Sarah Warn's myspace page...she's the chick that founded AfterEllen.com (awesome by the way)...and she has as her occupation "Professional Lesbian."

im starting to feel like a professional lesbian myself!

open the floodgates

oh my.....

i was really glad that this page had received less than 200 views since i started it weeks and weeks ago. but because im such a spontaneous person, i decided to let everyone know about it. silly me? we'll see.....

cause you like me better on my knees

so paint your face up something elegant
and this time maybe a darker shade of red

cause a long night
means a fist fight
against your pillow
and my pearly whites

or anything at all

"The places you have come to fear the most" by Dashboard Confessional

Buried deep as you can
Dig inside yourself,
And covered with
A perfect shell,
Such a charming
Beautiful exterior.
Laced with a briliant smile
And shining eyes
Perfect posture
But you're barely scraping by
You're barely scraping by

This is one time
That you can't fake
It hard enough to please
Everyone or anyone at all.
And the grave that
You refuse to leave
The refuge that
You've built to flee
The places that
You have come to fear the most.

Buried deep as you can
Dig inside yourself,
And hidden in the public eye.
Such a stellar
Monument to loneliness.
Laced with brilliant smiles
And shining eyes
And perfect makeup
But you're barely scraping by

til the sun burns out

"The Best Deceptions" by Dashboard Confessional

I heard about your trip.
I heard about your souvenirs.
I heard about the cool breeze, in the cool nights,
And the cool guys that you spent them with.
Well I guess I should have heard of them from you.
I guess I should have heard of them from you.

Don't you see, don't you see, that the charade is over?
And all the "Best Deceptions" and "Clever Cover Story" awards go to you.
So kiss me hard 'cause this will be the last time that I let you.
You will be back someday and this awkward kiss that tells of other people's lips will be of service to keeping you away.

I heard about your regrets.
I heard that you were feeling sorry.
I heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us.
Well I guess I should have heard of that from you.
I guess I should have heard of that from you.

I'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers,
I'll be all right when my hands get warm.Ignoring the phone,
I'd rather say nothing. I'd rather you'd never heard my voice.
You're calling too late too late to be gracious you do not warrant long goodbyes.